Some time ago, I was engrossed in feelings of sexual scarcity.  Totally unwarranted, but that’s the way feelings go.  They just happen.  I particularly felt that I needed new stable lovers to add to my “tribe”.  I think it  had something to do with reading a book titled “A Modern Marriage” which is the allegedly true story of a couple in the swingers community.  I think I got taken aback and became envious of the abundance and variety of sex in their lives.

So I decided that I would take charge and actively pursue rather than sit back and wait for something to happen.  I even discussed it my wife and like many things, she didn’t criticize, accepted it, laughed a little and said that I was free to get myself in trouble if I so desired.  And so a new quest started.

Trying to be very modern and after discussing with a couple of friends who have very active lives, I decided to join a couple of hookup websites.  One of them was the infamous Ashley Madison, for which eventually people tried to blackmail me after the list went public.

The truth is that overall these websites were a waste of time.  The most baffling aspect was the discovery that there’s a whole community of “arrangements” out there by which many well healed men “sponsor” women with hefty monthly sums (I read about figures like $3,000-$4,000 per month) in order to be their lovers.  Seems like a lot of nice college girls supplement their incomes this way.  Clearly not something for me but I’m sure it happens more than one may suspect.  There are even “prospecting arrangement” parties going on in New York for people to find their perfect match.

For several years, I have attended a series of courses/retreats that blend principles of psychology and character with zen buddhism.  They’re fascinating and very enriching although tough and sometimes shattering.  They’re certainly not for everyone and even though they have resulted in tremendous growth, they require a certain amount of emotional resilience.

Two years ago I attended one of these that particularly struck me to the core.  The theme was “parental figures”.  The purpose of this session was to connect with the nature of our relationship with our parents, the early childhood influences, traumas, battles.  It was a war with ourselves, with the ultimate objective of reconciliation and growth.  In a beautiful ceremony, we retold the story our parents’ lives, and our own, through our respective perspectives.  The final step in the course was to “integrate” our “wounded child” into our current adult reality, not leave it behind, but rather give it its proper place in our history.  The grown up adult would accept, take charge of and protect that child going forward.  It was a call to stop being a boy and become a man.  Even at 50, it’s never too late.

The integration of my wounded child and my growth into a “man” has been quite central to my inner life for the past couple of years.  It has been a journey of healing and discovery.  I am very pleased with my progress even though I know that the combination of perfectionism and victimhood tendencies of my character will never go away.   I have to be alert and ready to observe them as they happen and carefully choose my words and actions.

Back to the quest for lovers.  One of my “researched” hookup sites had a link that looked interesting and unusual.  That link began another journey of discovery.  That was my introduction to the “pickup artist” community.

There is a vast industry of people who have developed programs to teach guys how to pick women up.  They call themselves “dating coaches”.  Some of these people seem like rock stars, or at least they promote themselves as such.  They each has his own angle but they all tend to have common themes. Even though I’ve never considered myself a chauvinist and actually have inclinations towards feminism, I found many of the concepts interesting and smart even though there are clearly some offensive overtones to some of it.  The big names are Vin DiCarlo, David Tian, Christian Hudson, Joshua Pellicer, Bobby Rio and the very suave Adam Lyons.  So I have spent a few dollars and a few hours engrossed in what these guys have to say.

The reason this resonated with me is that it is very well aligned with my quest to grow from my wounded boy to an adult man.  In fact, I’ve realized that I have an underlying fear of thinking and acting like “a man” to prevent any hint of chauvinism.  This very likely has deep roots in my childhood and upbringing.  Also and obviously, it has something to do with sexual abuse in childhood and the lingering feeling that I’m “less than a man”.  I honestly don’t think I had strong male role models and much of my underlying taught behavioral patterns since childhood came from my mother’s words.  I am sure that I am not that romantic perfect gentleman she tried to idealize for me.  So seeing strong points of view on traditional male behavior has been refreshing and balancing for me.

I have to say that none of this “research” actually resulted in an explosion of lovers and sex.  But it did have a very positive impact on my general ability to relate to people.  I will explain later.  I have become much more comfortable and accepting of myself and have been able to see blind spots for growth.

Maybe the best summary of what I’ve learned from this adventure is in a book by Vin DiCarlo titled “The Attraction Code”.  The “Code”, among other things, summarizes the 11 characteristics of an attractive man.  Following the beautiful example of my dear friend who creates her intentions through “I am” statements, I will do the same here:

1. I am well now.  As simple as this sounds, this has been a powerful message for me to internalize.  Changing the belief that I am an undesirable broken little child is critical.  I am who I am and I am as valuable a person as anyone else.  Nobody likes a needy whiner.  Needy and romantic is still needy.  Needy and attentive is still needy.  Needy and anything is still needy and it’s suffocating.
2. I am comfortable leading.   This doesn’t mean that I have to lead every situation of my life and it’s ok to let go sometimes.  But it does mean that when the time to lead comes, I am comfortable with it.  How many times do I remember situations where we play apparently “considerate” games that only represent lack of leadership.  “Shall we go to restaurant A or B today?”  “Whatever you want.”  “No.  Whatever you want.”  Come on, be a leader.  Take responsibility even if it means the risk of making mistakes.
3. I am comfortable with my sexuality.  I covered this in my Sexual Energy post.  Part of who I am is my sexuality.  Living it, feeling it, choosing how to express it, are all part of who I am.  And like anything else, if that offends anyone, well , c’est la vie.
4. I have a vision and goals unrelated to my partner.  The essence of “the good life” is to have the internal peace to be comfortable with myself.  I am my constant own company for my entire life.  If I continue to live with “if only” longings, I’m doomed, screwed.  “If only I had a supportive spouse?”  “If only I had the perfect job?”  “If only my physical ailments went away?”  “If only they appreciated the jewel I really am?”  “If only I had more lovers for my tribe?”  This goes back to free will and creativity.
5. I bring positive energy to social situations.  We are prone to emotional contagion.  Mirror neurons.  The real key to having friends and lovers, a stable “tribe”, is to add value to them by  making them crave your company with the energy you bring to them via your interactions.  Maybe another way to define the purpose of life is “to have fun” and if I’m having fun then the chances that others are having fun with me are greater.
6. I don’t get upset easily.  I don’t attach myself to the result of my words and actions.  Once again, free will and creativity.  I struggle enormously with not getting upset easily.  But choosing battles and letting go is critical for emotional wellbeing.  I have made enormous progress but still have much more to go.
7. I have strict rules regarding what behaviors in others are acceptable and unacceptable.  I punish bad behavior by withdrawing my attention.  I have also struggled with the concept of “forgiveness”.   I also touched on this in my post on “The Shack”.  But the reality is that what ends up mattering to us are those things to which we pay attention.  Choosing battles, withdrawing or giving attention, are also critical to our emotional wellbeing.
8. I am very interested in human psychology.  We are social beings.  Understanding the underlying mechanics of how and why the people who surround us behave is critical.  Ultimately very little ends up being personal.  We all do things because there’s something in it for us.  So defining my value by what others do and say is always a losing game.  The only value that matters is the one I place on myself.
9. I am playful.  This has also been an enormous area of struggle for me.  I tend to be too serious, take things too transcendentally.  And that’s boring.  There is ultimately nothing like knowing how to “be”.  We live an eternal “now”.  Let’s just have fun!!
10. I am comfortable in social situations.  This is probably where the “pickup community” has been most helpful to me.  I have a very strong tendency to be a shy loner.  I have always known how to entertain myself and by being alone I run less risks of anger, sadness and rejection.  But once again we are social animals!!  Our success at pretty much every level of our existence has to do with our ability to cooperate.  The truth is that through reading about “pickup” I have become more comfortable interacting with people.  I literally don’t dread social situations like I used to.  I approach them with a mentality of “having fun”, detaching from the outcome and “being”.
11. I am deeply convinced that I am an attractive man.  Let’s face it.  If we don’t believe in ourselves, nobody else will.  If I am comfortable in my own company, with my state of being, mirror neurons are prone to elicit others to embrace me as a person.  If I disgust myself, I will disgust others.  It has been a learning process to love myself, as an adult, accepting my historical wounded child and valuing myself for who I am in an eternal now.

So dear readers, the “dating coaches” in the “pickup community” have ultimately given your Doctor Conde enormously valuable insight in growing from the wounded child to the responsible, attractive, confident man that I want to be.  And honestly and looking at myself in the mirror, I really can’t complain about the abundance, quality and variety of my sex life…