Last week was my parents’ 66th wedding anniversary.  Were it not for that momentous occasion, I would of course not be here.

My parents were married for 41 years, until the day dad died.  Then my mother was a widow for another 21 years, until the day she died. She never considered even looking at another man in her life.  She was totally devoted to him, to her family.  By all accounts, a successful marriage producing 7 mostly functional children.

Was she happy?  Was he happy?  How did they start out of the gate?  What were their dreams?  What did they think of those dreams by the time it all ended?

It’s interesting to note that out of 7 children, 5 ended up in divorce at one point or another in our marriages.  Quite a statistic.  Of course, one family does not make a trend but the known statistics are astounding.  By-and-large, marriage has been and remains an institution in crisis.  It may work well for a  number of people, but clearly it doesn’t for many others.

Stephanie Coontz wrote another of my favorite and most influential books, “Marriage – A History“.  See a reference and her talk on the topic in the Resources page.  The central thesis in her book is that marriage was traditionally a strategic alliance in order to bring extended families together in order to cooperate.  Marriage for love is a novel idea which puts us on a path for unreasonable expectations.  We demand too much of marriage.  We expect too much from our spouses.

Part of the trouble is that we don’t really live much in extended families, villages or tribes any more.  Our standard modern social unit is the nuclear family: mom, dad and 2 kids.  We have become more and more dependent on those small units.

Growing up, I was sold a Middle Class Morality ideal to marry my other half orange, my soul mate, and be set for life.  By the time I was 25 and had gotten engaged for the first time, I thought I was clearly on the right path to a happy life.

We humans have become enormously successful as a species not because of our strength, our intelligence or our speed.  The main contributor leading to our utter and nefarious domination of the planet is our ability to cooperate.  The strongest, most intelligent, quickest person on earth will never be able to get a rocket to the moon by him/herself.  Neither can a single nuclear family.  While a team of smart folks with potbellies chain smoking Marlboros did it in the 1960s.  Teamwork.

What does that have to do with marriage?  Well, everything.

The traditional view of marriage today is still “I do, and from now on you’re the only person with whom I will experience love/passion/sex/parenthood and I will also share most of my free time, my money, my space with you”.  Wow.  I’m even now feeling pressured and overwhelmed as I write it.

During a spiritual retreat, for several days a very dear group of friends and I discussed the definition and nature of marriage or marital partnership in a modern context.  These ideas are very much aligned with those discussions although I will not publicly recognize them because that would violate the anonymity I want, wouldn’t it?  Our conclusion, which I think is a great aha, was that marriage is defined by the specific collection of resources we decide to share with our partner, which ultimately we don’t share with others.  And therein lies the trouble.  When we consciously draw those boundaries of exclusivity, we set ourselves expectations and responsibilities.

Ultimately, every relationship is defined by the same parameters, call it friendship, parenting, work or even the most mundane casual interaction.  Every relationship is defined by the resources we decide to share with others.  Marriage is the intersection of the resources both partners decide to share of their mutual lives.

So marriage is a living, breathing institution but it never ceases to be the intersection of what’s going on in two individual lives.  And in each one of those individual lives, each person remains independently responsible for him/herself.  My wife is not and should not be responsible for any aspect of my happiness.  My own happiness is my own quest to the extent I decide to pursue it.  To the extent that my partner and I intersect and share resources to align with our individual quests, beautiful.

By all accounts, I have led a very blessed and protected life.  I have family, a great job, friends, money, health.  Yet I have struggled enormously with depression and self-esteem.  I’ve already discussed the origins of that in my Bristlecone Project post.  But the way that depression would typically come to light would be in the context of how loved, seen and appreciated (or not) I felt in my relationships.  That was a good excuse for polyamory: not only was I taking responsibility for my own sexual satisfaction but also for my emotional connection and fulfillment.

I am now emotionally better than I have ever been before.  Actually, writing this blog is quite therapeutic.  It’s been several years of introspection and exploration from which the grand conclusion is that I could not continue to be a wounded little boy looking for love and recognition but rather I am a responsible and powerful adult with free will and significant leeway to steer the direction of my daily life.  My palette has a lot of different colors I can apply to the canvass of my life on a daily basis.

Am I “cured”?  Of course, there is no such thing.  The content of our character, of our deepest emotional reactions to the world that surrounds us, never really leaves us.  But I can recognize my feelings once they surface and take charge of the situation.  I can exercise my behavioral muscles to come out the best way I can.  Those behavioral muscles involve being more social, keeping a wider network of connections I can call my own very special “tribe” who collaborate with me to support our mutual goals in daily life.  Then there’s meditation of course.

So dear readers, the critical message I want to leave with you today is, give your partners a break.  Each of you is responsible for yourself.  Create your own “tribe” you can rely on to achieve your goals, your fulfillment, your happiness.  Doctor Conde’s mission in life is to create the happiest, most fulfilled Doctor Conde I can create every day.   That way I can share what I have and be more giving and less needy.   Do what it takes for you to be happy.

Coming back to resources and marriage, let’s do the following thought experiment.  First, we have to recognize that nobody is available to us all the time.  So if I don’t see my wife during the day and she’s busy with her chores, her work, the kids, she’s not available to me.  Neither am I available to her if I’m in a meeting.  So let’s think about being away from our partners.  Imagine a whole day when you have no contact with your partner.  Now, think about the moment you see him/her again.  You get to share again, share time, space, feelings.  So now that you have visualized separation and reunion, I ask you, what difference did it make if while you were not with your partner, he/she was busy at work, laying down doing nothing, or having sex with someone else?  After all, when you saw him/her again, he/she was exactly the same person regardless of what he/she was doing while he/she was away from you.

We are conditioned to believe that what our partners share with others is relevant to us, when in reality all that matters in our relationships is the collection of resources that our partners in their generosity actually do share with us.

The world owes us nothing.  We are not entitled.  We are responsible for ourselves and what we share is a gift and a blessing.