There is a a major reorganization going on in my company.  We can look at it as white space for new opportunities.  But it’s pretty threatening.

Over the years, I have had to cut many people.  It’s probably the least appealing aspect of my job, next to but maybe not close to the annual ritual of setting employee ratings.  It’s also very hard on my managers who have to go along for the ride.  But as I tell them, we have a choice to play the company’s line, or not, and if we don’t, they’ll bring in someone else who will.

To some extent my job is to push back, try to bring some “sanity”.  But being an utmost believer in free will, I cannot deny that the company itself has the right to define how it wants to operate, with what expense levels, what geographies, what capabilities.  Not everything my managers want to do is crazy, by any stretch.  For the most part, I find management to be thoughtful and well intended.  But of course it’s very easy to forget the human aspects of all of this from a distance.  I think my job is to articulate consequences and provide alternatives, but ultimately I cannot cover the sun with my thumb and reality is what it is.

At least annually I give my group the “free agent” speech, where I tell them we are all employed at will and we should approach our careers with a basket of capabilities mentality.  Our best bet for success is to stay fresh with our employability, learn new things and be ready for action no matter what the circumstances bring.  I hear through the backchannels that many hate this speech.  I know.  It’s hard to absorb those truths.

It’s raining in NY today.  How many of you dear readers actually love the rain?  I’m sure just a few.  In fact, when I look at my own series of beautiful inspiring images, most of them are sparkling sunny blue skies (just a couple of gray skies).  How many of us wake up and say “yay, it’s raining today”??  But on the other hand, which one of us has ever been able to stop the rain?  If anyone has the perfect “rain dance” or “dry dance”, write me and if it works, you won’t be disappointed with the fee I pay you.

Maybe we are genetically predisposed  to like certain aspects of reality, such as colors, shapes, smells, etc.  Also, we are prewired to get stressed out about uncertainty.  We tend to weigh “negative” outcomes much more heavily than “positive” outcomes and if a situation has the chance of being equally negative or positive, we will hate facing it.  For us to embrace risk and uncertainty, we need to clearly see how the benefits massively outweigh the costs.

Clearly there are some survival aspects to preconditioning and genetics.  But much of our preferences is cultural, learned, ingrained by a lifetime of viewing things in a particular way.  We have been brought up with a mentality of entitlement.  And the reality is that there is very little if anything to which we are entitled.  Particularly, jobs in the US are not something to which we are entitled.  We live employment at will.  We cannot be discriminated against by certain protected statistical categories, but other than that, anyone’s job is ultimately fair game and that’s true from the top, down to the file room.

Dear readers, the point of all of this is to say, shit happens as much as wonderful happens and we can’t control it.  It may snow in NY tomorrow.  It’s April.  But we all have choices we can make day in and day out, particularly about who we are and how we interact with the world.  We can be serial whiners or a ray of sunshine.  We can speak up, or not.  We can be frustrated bullies or equanimous gray beards.  And once we choose our responses, we have to let go, detach from the outcome, in the certainty that in the end, all that matters is what’s inside each one of us.

I don’t go to pop concerts very often.  In fact, the only one I can think I’ve been to in the last 5 years was Santana at the Forest Hills stadium.  Quite a treat.  Magnificent energy and masterful guitar playing.

But there was a time when I did a lot of them.  The most memorable ones were at Chastain Park in Atlanta and the Amphitheater in St. Louis.  I got to see many of my long-time favorites like Boston, Supertramp, Chicago, Kansas, The Who, Foreigner…

One evening was particularly memorable.  The year was 1993.  It was a lazy early summer evening.  My boss had invited me to join a dinner and concert event with a key client.  The sun was still hitting the stage at Chastain Park Amphitheater.  The dinner table a level up, front row,  dead center.

It was the opening act for what later would be good but not memorable performances by Steppenwolf and Jefferson Starship.  On stage came this blond/albino guy with a guitar player to his left, a base player to his right and a drummer in the back.  The first note, the first bar, was crystal clear like pure fresh water and my ears fell in love with the music.  Perfectly tight, in sync.  It was all very well paused and perfectly timed.  Then the guy’s voice started rising in what turned out to be one of many guttural primal cries.  The song was “Tobacco Road” and the albino was Edgar Winter.

Edgar considers himself a blues man.  And he’s a specialist of the “primal cry” that John Lennon himself also perfected.  Edgar is also a fabulous keyboard player and pretty good with the saxophone.  I would probably catalogue him as a musical virtuoso.

They only played three songs that night and that was it.  It was an opening act after all.   The second one was a 20 minute rendition of Frankenstein, filled with improvisation and virtuosity.  These four guys were just together.  And Winter was all over the map (or the pentagram!) with his voice and his keyboard, alternating with the saxophone.  Amazing how he could run very fast arpeggios exactly in sync with his voice and his keyboard.  An enviable ear.  The guitarist, Rick Derringer, could hold his own against Edgar Winter in crisp fluid harmonic sound.

The studio version of Frankenstein which I added to my spontaneous musical meditations is a lot of fun.  It’s a simple tune with crisp instrumentation and fabulous atmosphere.  Great energy.  Particularly love the “UFO landing” moment.  It’s pretty well musically balanced, with a central theme that comes back a few times and a  middle with alternating themes and solos.  Frankenstein got its name after it was recorded because of the heavy studio editing done to it, the “cut and paste” of sounds to get it just right.

Even with today’s fabulous stereos and multi-channel entertainment centers, there is something very personal and touching about live performances.  This is very true in classical, particularly chamber.  But in pop it holds true as well.  And not many bands can put it together to get the perfect sound live.  Edgar Winter and his three friends were a masterful example of being present in the moment and perfectly musically tight.

Thank you Edgar.

Dear Readers,

Today, I recorded a new guided meditation, the eighth in the series.  This meditation will help you connect with the spiritual world, remind you that you are one with the universe.

Guided meditations are visual voyages that bring you profound messages of love and growth for your soul.  They are beautiful concepts that will delight your subconscious.  You can see the effects of meditation throughout your day.  I hope you enjoy.  I know I have enjoyed recording them enormously.

Also, I have updated my front page to give you direct access to my blog of essays, which has all posts, from latest going back to the very first one.  Also, if you want to search by topic, the convenience menus on the side or bottom of the page will take you there.

Remember, this website is intended to be an expression of myself, but it’s there for you to enjoy.  You may find something useful that resonates.  I am very much an imperfect person with a lot of issues.  But I have also worked on myself for many many years so maybe something I have written may help you deal with your own issues. My ideas are not necessarily popular, mainstream or even original.  They are just learnings and discerning through experience.  I know you are imperfect too and seeking growth, happiness and fulfillment.  We are on the same boat.

I am available for personal consultation if you want to exchange ideas offline, if you want healing via reiki or shamanic processes, or if you want to experience your own individual guided meditation with me.

Many blessings of love and light.

Some time ago, I was engrossed in feelings of sexual scarcity.  Totally unwarranted, but that’s the way feelings go.  They just happen.  I particularly felt that I needed new stable lovers to add to my “tribe”.  I think it  had something to do with reading a book titled “A Modern Marriage” which is the allegedly true story of a couple in the swingers community.  I think I got taken aback and became envious of the abundance and variety of sex in their lives.

So I decided that I would take charge and actively pursue rather than sit back and wait for something to happen.  I even discussed it my wife and like many things, she didn’t criticize, accepted it, laughed a little and said that I was free to get myself in trouble if I so desired.  And so a new quest started.

Trying to be very modern and after discussing with a couple of friends who have very active lives, I decided to join a couple of hookup websites.  One of them was the infamous Ashley Madison, for which eventually people tried to blackmail me after the list went public.

The truth is that overall these websites were a waste of time.  The most baffling aspect was the discovery that there’s a whole community of “arrangements” out there by which many well healed men “sponsor” women with hefty monthly sums (I read about figures like $3,000-$4,000 per month) in order to be their lovers.  Seems like a lot of nice college girls supplement their incomes this way.  Clearly not something for me but I’m sure it happens more than one may suspect.  There are even “prospecting arrangement” parties going on in New York for people to find their perfect match.

For several years, I have attended a series of courses/retreats that blend principles of psychology and character with zen buddhism.  They’re fascinating and very enriching although tough and sometimes shattering.  They’re certainly not for everyone and even though they have resulted in tremendous growth, they require a certain amount of emotional resilience.

Two years ago I attended one of these that particularly struck me to the core.  The theme was “parental figures”.  The purpose of this session was to connect with the nature of our relationship with our parents, the early childhood influences, traumas, battles.  It was a war with ourselves, with the ultimate objective of reconciliation and growth.  In a beautiful ceremony, we retold the story our parents’ lives, and our own, through our respective perspectives.  The final step in the course was to “integrate” our “wounded child” into our current adult reality, not leave it behind, but rather give it its proper place in our history.  The grown up adult would accept, take charge of and protect that child going forward.  It was a call to stop being a boy and become a man.  Even at 50, it’s never too late.

The integration of my wounded child and my growth into a “man” has been quite central to my inner life for the past couple of years.  It has been a journey of healing and discovery.  I am very pleased with my progress even though I know that the combination of perfectionism and victimhood tendencies of my character will never go away.   I have to be alert and ready to observe them as they happen and carefully choose my words and actions.

Back to the quest for lovers.  One of my “researched” hookup sites had a link that looked interesting and unusual.  That link began another journey of discovery.  That was my introduction to the “pickup artist” community.

There is a vast industry of people who have developed programs to teach guys how to pick women up.  They call themselves “dating coaches”.  Some of these people seem like rock stars, or at least they promote themselves as such.  They each has his own angle but they all tend to have common themes. Even though I’ve never considered myself a chauvinist and actually have inclinations towards feminism, I found many of the concepts interesting and smart even though there are clearly some offensive overtones to some of it.  The big names are Vin DiCarlo, David Tian, Christian Hudson, Joshua Pellicer, Bobby Rio and the very suave Adam Lyons.  So I have spent a few dollars and a few hours engrossed in what these guys have to say.

The reason this resonated with me is that it is very well aligned with my quest to grow from my wounded boy to an adult man.  In fact, I’ve realized that I have an underlying fear of thinking and acting like “a man” to prevent any hint of chauvinism.  This very likely has deep roots in my childhood and upbringing.  Also and obviously, it has something to do with sexual abuse in childhood and the lingering feeling that I’m “less than a man”.  I honestly don’t think I had strong male role models and much of my underlying taught behavioral patterns since childhood came from my mother’s words.  I am sure that I am not that romantic perfect gentleman she tried to idealize for me.  So seeing strong points of view on traditional male behavior has been refreshing and balancing for me.

I have to say that none of this “research” actually resulted in an explosion of lovers and sex.  But it did have a very positive impact on my general ability to relate to people.  I will explain later.  I have become much more comfortable and accepting of myself and have been able to see blind spots for growth.

Maybe the best summary of what I’ve learned from this adventure is in a book by Vin DiCarlo titled “The Attraction Code”.  The “Code”, among other things, summarizes the 11 characteristics of an attractive man.  Following the beautiful example of my dear friend who creates her intentions through “I am” statements, I will do the same here:

1. I am well now.  As simple as this sounds, this has been a powerful message for me to internalize.  Changing the belief that I am an undesirable broken little child is critical.  I am who I am and I am as valuable a person as anyone else.  Nobody likes a needy whiner.  Needy and romantic is still needy.  Needy and attentive is still needy.  Needy and anything is still needy and it’s suffocating.
2. I am comfortable leading.   This doesn’t mean that I have to lead every situation of my life and it’s ok to let go sometimes.  But it does mean that when the time to lead comes, I am comfortable with it.  How many times do I remember situations where we play apparently “considerate” games that only represent lack of leadership.  “Shall we go to restaurant A or B today?”  “Whatever you want.”  “No.  Whatever you want.”  Come on, be a leader.  Take responsibility even if it means the risk of making mistakes.
3. I am comfortable with my sexuality.  I covered this in my Sexual Energy post.  Part of who I am is my sexuality.  Living it, feeling it, choosing how to express it, are all part of who I am.  And like anything else, if that offends anyone, well , c’est la vie.
4. I have a vision and goals unrelated to my partner.  The essence of “the good life” is to have the internal peace to be comfortable with myself.  I am my constant own company for my entire life.  If I continue to live with “if only” longings, I’m doomed, screwed.  “If only I had a supportive spouse?”  “If only I had the perfect job?”  “If only my physical ailments went away?”  “If only they appreciated the jewel I really am?”  “If only I had more lovers for my tribe?”  This goes back to free will and creativity.
5. I bring positive energy to social situations.  We are prone to emotional contagion.  Mirror neurons.  The real key to having friends and lovers, a stable “tribe”, is to add value to them by  making them crave your company with the energy you bring to them via your interactions.  Maybe another way to define the purpose of life is “to have fun” and if I’m having fun then the chances that others are having fun with me are greater.
6. I don’t get upset easily.  I don’t attach myself to the result of my words and actions.  Once again, free will and creativity.  I struggle enormously with not getting upset easily.  But choosing battles and letting go is critical for emotional wellbeing.  I have made enormous progress but still have much more to go.
7. I have strict rules regarding what behaviors in others are acceptable and unacceptable.  I punish bad behavior by withdrawing my attention.  I have also struggled with the concept of “forgiveness”.   I also touched on this in my post on “The Shack”.  But the reality is that what ends up mattering to us are those things to which we pay attention.  Choosing battles, withdrawing or giving attention, are also critical to our emotional wellbeing.
8. I am very interested in human psychology.  We are social beings.  Understanding the underlying mechanics of how and why the people who surround us behave is critical.  Ultimately very little ends up being personal.  We all do things because there’s something in it for us.  So defining my value by what others do and say is always a losing game.  The only value that matters is the one I place on myself.
9. I am playful.  This has also been an enormous area of struggle for me.  I tend to be too serious, take things too transcendentally.  And that’s boring.  There is ultimately nothing like knowing how to “be”.  We live an eternal “now”.  Let’s just have fun!!
10. I am comfortable in social situations.  This is probably where the “pickup community” has been most helpful to me.  I have a very strong tendency to be a shy loner.  I have always known how to entertain myself and by being alone I run less risks of anger, sadness and rejection.  But once again we are social animals!!  Our success at pretty much every level of our existence has to do with our ability to cooperate.  The truth is that through reading about “pickup” I have become more comfortable interacting with people.  I literally don’t dread social situations like I used to.  I approach them with a mentality of “having fun”, detaching from the outcome and “being”.
11. I am deeply convinced that I am an attractive man.  Let’s face it.  If we don’t believe in ourselves, nobody else will.  If I am comfortable in my own company, with my state of being, mirror neurons are prone to elicit others to embrace me as a person.  If I disgust myself, I will disgust others.  It has been a learning process to love myself, as an adult, accepting my historical wounded child and valuing myself for who I am in an eternal now.

So dear readers, the “dating coaches” in the “pickup community” have ultimately given your Doctor Conde enormously valuable insight in growing from the wounded child to the responsible, attractive, confident man that I want to be.  And honestly and looking at myself in the mirror, I really can’t complain about the abundance, quality and variety of my sex life…

It’s been almost two months since I started this crazy project.  At first, I was scared because I knew I was going to be revealing aspects of myself, my life, my thinking, that were going to be controversial and maybe unpopular.

Initially, I shared the link with a few very close friends, but as I marched ahead and wrote more, I got more comfortable and expanded the “circle of love”.  Doctor-Conde.com has been visited more than 3,500 times by more than 900 people, which I find fascinating.  I have to confess that it strokes my ego a little but I shouldn’t let it be that.  It’s also a little like having a new girlfriend: I’ve been checking to see if people visit and comment pretty regularly and my heart seems to brighten when they do.

Within my circle of friends, I ended up inviting more than 50 people and I may still include some more as time goes on.  I gave updates to this group on a weekly basis and I know many check in regularly and others don’t and that’s ok.  I am sincerely not offended to know that people choose not to read or listen to the meditations.  Ultimately, I really am satisfied that my work is “out there” and accessible and people who know about it and don’t read may do it when they’re “ready”.

I have received so many nice messages of encouragement and appreciation, I am sincerely flattered.  Also, people have reached out to me via e-mail for advice and I have done my honest best to tell them things I consider relevant and appropriate.

So, this blog I view as art, as my expression from deep inside, my mind, my heart, my history.  But if along the way it helps someone see a light, resonate, identify and make their lives better, wow, that’s more than I could ever hope for.  I have also asked the universe to let this blog reach those who may not know about it and might benefit, so I am sure that has already happened.

Nobody has really come back to me to say they are offended or don’t like it, but as I might have suspected upfront given the nature of the material, some friends have taken some distance since I have revealed shocking truths about myself.  My choices, my lifestyle, my thoughts, are not universal, they are mine and those who choose distance are exercising their free will and I respect that completely.

The blog has given me incredible perspective on myself.  Being able to write, express, regardless of the outcome, allows me to be as authentic as I can be, naked, transparent.  So the friends who have read and stayed with me can now “see me” just like I am not just as I have presented myself in ordinary reality.

I will bow my head for a moment in thanks to all those who have taken the time to read me in detail and start conversations with me.  Some have used my thoughts as a sounding board for their own interpretations and discernments and given me feedback.  I feel our lives have been enhanced by the mutual exchange.

I never carried a diary and this is the closest I can come to it.  But I have also tried to make it relevant and artistic.  I definitely don’t want to post like I see in Facebook sometimes (Post 1: “I’m going to the bathroom”.  Post 2: “I went to the bathroom.”).  I very much have the awareness that I am writing to be read but I’m not necessarily writing for my readers. I am writing what’s inside me, and then I let go, I detach from the outcome.

In the end, I have shared the blog with 2 of my siblings who have probably read a bit.  I have not gotten much reaction other than an acknowledgement of my style.  Several people have commented about that which has been a great surprise since I’ve never been much of a writer.

So my dear readers, this is a great adventure and I am tremendously happy that I did it.  I will keep writing as relevant thoughts, topics and experiences come up.  I may write long or short depending on how I feel.  And please be assured that I have appreciated tremendously all the feedback and comments.

In closing, I also want to say that if any of you want to try writing and blogging, go for it.  It’s enormously therapeutic and liberating.  Be yourself and let go.

Many blessings of love and light.

I declare the possibility of being present.

I stand for being the best possible “me” I can be.

I am committed to a life of meditation and attentive observation.

I can be counted on to be open to the possibilities life may bring.

David Brooks is a regular editorial columnist for the New York Times.  Even though the NYT is well known for its liberal leanings, David is actually a conservative.  Most of the time, I find his writings thoughtful, balanced and fair.

I just finished his latest book “The Road to Character”.  I did not like it one bit.  It irritated me.  I’ve been trying to understand why.

The book is a series of mini biographies of famous people from the past.  They are all remarkable, admirable in some way, but also fundamentally flawed.  Aren’t we all?  It is centered in moral philosophy but doesn’t really go into any depth of psychological or spiritual analysis.  The central message is that in the olden days, we had a better chance at being humble and accepting of our small role as members of the larger society.  But now, we are self-centered, arrogant and just misguided in our attempts at individual happiness and fulfillment.

David may be absolutely right in his appreciations.  I don’t really know and won’t judge.  But it left me with a very empty feeling.  Why did I spend so many hours on this allegedly or presumed righteous book?  How is my life better by having read it?  That’s what’s left me wanting.

I read a lot of stuff and think.  I try to find messages for me, how I can integrate into the repertoire of my life to make me a better person.  That’s why I don’t read a lot of fiction, almost none.  Also, that’s why I stopped reading things like UFO accounts and conspiracy theories.  Maybe I take life too seriously and should just revel in the entertainment value of things more than I do.

But “The Road to Character” is not entertainment.  It is moralizing, likely self-righteous and finger-pointing.  I have no idea how David leads his life but I can imagine he’s trying to build his road to character according to his book.  In essence, I find it useless even though I’m sure David spent plenty of his energy for a long time writing it, did it with his best heart and considers it part of his artistic legacy.  Dear Readers, you’re welcome to go for it, but I won’t give you the link this time.

I can’t pass up the opportunity to summarize my views, what works for me.  My road to character is simple:

• Meditate, meditate, meditate.
• Think about how you want to be and change it as often as you need to.  But don’t let anyone tell you and define for you who you are and how you want to be.  It’s your creative right emanating from your free will.  You are not a sheep following a herd.  You are you.
• If your behaviors (words and acts) don’t match how you want to be, then flex uncomfortable muscles to help you align them.  Your mental desire rules.
• The purpose of life is…  there is no purpose to life (other than preserving itself).  Life just is.   Enjoy it!!

I’ve been wanting to write about creativity, the natural handoff from free will.  But I haven’t felt inspired.  It’s really so interesting how our perceptions and preconceptions become self-fulfilling prophecies.

As with many other things, I struggle with the concept of creativity.  I tend to view myself as a nerd with good execution capabilities but not necessarily creative.  Of course that’s a destructive self-image.  And it’s not even true.  I have plenty of evidence to show myself that maybe I am in fact “creative”.  The very act of writing this blog is an act of creativity.  Also, in my business, I’m told I’m creative on my “deals”.  The way I set up my daily life is creative.

I think my feelings of low creative self worth come from infancy and have to do with music.  I grew up in a household where everybody was brilliant and played music pretty well.  Particularly, one of my brothers is a very decent pianist with a long composing history.  It was a tough standard to live up to and I think I just let my musical creative drive atrophy.  It’s a pity since I suffer the consequences today.  I would love to compose music, but I don’t.  I would love to play an instrument, but I get bored with them because I get into repetitive ruts and just drop them.  I had the most exciting guitar teacher recently for about two years, but I just didn’t keep up with it.  Today I barely practice.

But the reality is that there is only so much time and energy to go around in our lives and we make choices.  Maybe one day I will allocate enough time to musical endeavors and I’ll enjoy it.  In the meantime, I can bask in the belief that as a music lover, there is so much wonderful music to be heard out there, why pollute the airwaves with my own mediocre attempts?

About a year ago I read an endearing book by a guy named Gary Marcus describing his quest to learn to play the guitar as an adult: Guitar Zero.  It is actually a story of hope for anyone learning a new discipline late in life.  One of his observations, which can be seen in other contexts, is that in order to master a discipline, it takes 10,000 hours of practice.  Ouch.  That’s a long time.  But it does bring up an interesting point about creativity.  Is creativity primarily a state of inspiration or is it methodical progressive toil?  Is it Mozart composing as if taking  dictation straight from above, or Beethoven laboriously and methodically writing down ideas in his notebook to be magnificently developed later?  Maybe it’s both.

Going back to Mary Poppins and the Akashic Field, I believe that our feelings and ideas come from “above” and we just tune into them. We’re more accessing “the internet of spirit” than our own “cerebral hard drives”. So, the more connected to spirit, the clearer the channel, the more coming down. But just “downloading” is useless unless methodically organized, presented, executed.

So what does creativity apply to?  Is it mainly an artistic endeavor?  Or is it something we engage in every time we exercise our free will?

We “create” every time we speak and act. Every time we make a decision. Creativity defines our daily way of life.  So creativity is intertwined with decision-making.  Our choices are rarely binary but rather occupy a spectrum of possibilities.  They are also heavily influenced by our own history, the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

The most important decisions we make, where we really get to express our creativity, revolve around who we “want to be”.  A very dear friend of mine (who has already been featured several times in my writings!!) sits down at the beginning of each year and instead of making “new year’s resolutions”, she writes down who she wants to be or maybe even more precisely, how she wants to be.  She starts every line with an “I am” statement that does not center on her status or imperfection but rather the ideal to which she aspires.  I am in awe by this concept and find it the epitome of personal creativity.  These are guideposts for her daily behavior, a compass, a moral code.

Creativity and decision-making are subject to Rule No. 1 of Economics: scarce resources.  Making decisions consumes energy so there’s only so many of them we can make during any given span of time.  Here’s an interesting article on this topic: Tough Choices.  I have experienced this very first hand with alcohol.  When I drank wine, I didn’t make a decision, I just ordered it at lunch and had it with dinner at home.  But that wasn’t good for my liver, my psoriasis, my job or my concentration.  When I scaled back and went for the 2-3 drinks per week, I suffered.  It was a nightmare.  I had to make a decision every time and keep track of my consumption mentally.  But then when I decided to drop it altogether, it became a lot easier.  The decision had been made, it was prepackaged and it consumed no energy.

We humans ultimately love routines and traditions, because they bring us back to a place where we don’t have to consume energy because the decisions are prepackaged (like turkey on Thanksgiving).  But then, this should liberate us to spend mental energy on making other decisions.  That creates white space that gives us the opportunity to create otherwise.

Bottom line, with free will, we have the opportunity to create the story of who we are every day.  We have finite resources to create, so we can prepackage our decisions for all our basics, then follow our own traditions and routines, and spend the creative energy to be who we want to be every day.

As a companion to this blog, I will be recording a guided meditation to connect with the purple energy of creativity through our third eye.  Holding onto an amethyst quartz during meditation, even better.

There may be a lot of conflict going on in the Middle East.  But I find the cuisines very similar and delicious.  I mentally group them as a single category and a great no. 2 choice for vegetarian food behind Indian cuisine.  Israeli, Lebanese, Turkish…  Mmm.  Falafel, hummus, baba ganoush, shakshouka, stuffed grape leaves, baklava, kadaif, mint tea…

I carry my own home accounting with precision and care.  I know you wouldn’t expect any less from me.  I have complete sets of balance sheets and income statements for my household since 1992.  I may not control how much we spend but I definitely know where it all goes.  And somewhere a whole lot of it goes is restaurants.  This information comes in handy sometimes.

I have gotten into the habit of tallying up my annual and lifetime expenditure by restaurant every January.  Then I show them my “league table”, where they stand and what the numbers are.  And for two years in a row now, my no. 1 restaurant by dollars spent has been…  Lola.  It’s my usual Sunday night dinner hangout.

Lola is an Israeli restaurant in Great Neck Long Island with a lot of artistry and flair, yet quite down to earth.  The owner, Michael Ginor, brings the spirit and business savvy.  But where he scored really big is with head chef, Lenny Messina.  Lenny is a genius, an artist, and also incredibly nice and approachable.  Lenny gets excited when he sees my reservation in the book because he knows he’ll get carried away to please us with something new and imaginative.  For me, it’s also an exercise in letting go, relinquishing control and being served whatever he wants rather than what my plan has prescribed.  My only job is to slow him down otherwise we’d get stuffed to the gills.

Tonight was a fabulous meal, as always, where the highlight was…  cauliflower.  Lenny loves to play games with cauliflower.  Tonight, it was a “cauliflower steak”, actually a big flattened portion for 2, grilled to perfection, smothered in the most delicious sauce with lemon, capers, pine nuts, peppers and other spices.  He came out with a big grin and said “I wanted to start you on fire tonight”.  On fire it was, not just by heat but also by sheer delight of the palate with such a delicious combination of flavors.

Then he finished us off with an “experiment” he was trying out for a big event he’s catering soon: an earl grey cake with earl grey ice-cream, toasted honey and very juicy and sweet oranges.  What a delicacy.  Not only were the flavors deliciously combined but also the array of textures, from the silky smooth ice-cream passing through moist cake and the plump oranges to crunch from the toasted honey, completed a very sensual experience.  Had never had such a dessert.  Yet, we advised him to moisten his cake a little more in his earl grey broth for the main event.  He loves the feedback because we’re like part of his culinary family.

I always leave Lola feeling uplifted, cared for, exalted and just plain happy.  I’m now ready to start my week.

Some people believe that The Shack is a true story attributed to the previously unknown author William P. Young to cover up the identity of “Mack” the protagonist.  Young claims it’s an educational story he wrote for his children.  Doesn’t really matter much.  This is a most amazing and thought-provoking book.

Having grown up Catholic, I never got the “trinity”.  Just could never picture it.  It’s one of those mystifying concepts that one can only understand by reading history of the Catholic church and realizing that it’s all a contrived, concocted attempt at massive deceit and control.

The Shack does a decent job of humanizing the trinity in some form, but it really goes much further.  This book really resonates with me because it is a beautiful, insightful illustration of the mechanics of free will and what it potentially means to our daily lives.

A couple of nights ago, a very dear friend of mine and I had a conversation about the “Universal Plan” over dinner.  It’s a comforting concept to feel that everything that happens has a purpose, a lesson, a silver lining, corresponds to a grand plan and everything will be ok. Everything will be ok only to the extent that in the end we will all be dead, the universe will collapse onto itself and nothing that happened in between will have mattered.  But I stopped believing in the Universal Plan a while ago and I feel perfectly fine about that.

The reason that there can’t be a Universal Plan is …  Free Will.  The two cannot coexist.  A Universal Plan is predetermination.  There is no free will with predetermination.  But we do have free will.  The figure I like to use for this is to say that right now I am free to either keep on writing or catch the next flight to Argentina or whatever else I can think of and actually do.  That is free will.  Some will argue that the Universal Plan would have already pre-determined which course I took, so Free Will and Universal Plan operate simultaneously.  Hmm.  Don’t think so.

The Shack is a very hard book.  I read it maybe 8 years ago and I am pretty sure I cried over it or at least choked and shed a few tears.  It’s particularly difficult for parents since it’s the story of a violently abused and murdered little girl and how it destroys her dad’s life and beliefs.  Mack was a man of the cloth who just stopped believing it could be possible for such a cruel and unfair God to exist.

So he gets an invitation (presumably from God) to a weekend at “the shack” where his daughter was likely abused and murdered.  The core of the book is the story of this weekend.  It turns out to be a delightful weekend full of light and hope.  It’s also funny.  Among the many things that happen, Mack is set up to put God on trial for being cruel and unfair.

The punchline ultimately is that there is no silver lining.  What happened happened because the killer had free will and not even God would or could stop him because God created the universe that way.  It’s a space of free will.

This is a very difficult concept for me.  While I understand it intellectually, it runs counter to my perfectionist streak and urgent desire to educate and correct people.  If I “show them” then I’m “helping them”.  It’s hard for a controlling character like mine to accept that this is foolish thinking.  But foolish it is.  People have and exercise their free will all the time and there isn’t much we can do about it.  Even our kids do.  At most, we can use first person statements (I think, I believe, I feel) that may convey information that may or may not matter to our interlocutor.  But once those words have gone up to the Akashic Field, we have no choice but to let go and detach from the outcome.

Another hard lesson in the book is the importance of forgiveness in order for Mack to get to closure.  No forgiveness, no closure.

Forgiveness is also very difficult for me.  I struggled even with its definition for years.  How can one simply accept what is obviously “wrong”?  Isn’t an apology always warranted?  Isn’t forgiveness the magnanimous act of accepting an apology?

The best definition of forgiveness I have heard came from Oprah Winfrey who said that “forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different”.  Love that.  I can live with that.  But as I mentioned in prior posts, that doesn’t necessarily change the way I act since I can, with my free will, choose any course of action such as doing nothing, saying something or cutting ties.  I guess that in a sense forgiveness is like saying “I see you and I accept you even though I don’t condone what you did and I may choose not to interact with you”.

By the end of our cheese and chocolate fondue dinner, my friend and I agreed that while “Universal Plan” sounds too pre-deterministic.  “Universal Design” sounds right, and it includes free will.

But free will comes with another opportunity or threat, depending on our experience and point of view.  And that is, the opportunity for creativity.  That’s for another post.

While this post has been mostly dedicated to accepting that others have free will, let’s not forget our own.  Free will is power.  And for that, I have recorded a new guided meditation.  Enjoy.